Who Our Kids Are Becoming

As we continue learning and growing here in India, I find that my mind and heart is drawn more and more to my kids' experience here.  I wonder exactly what they're thinking and feeling as they get used to this new culture.  It's hard to ask them because of their ages.  We try to debrief with them in ways they understand -- drawing or telling stories about new experiences, having them share with their family back home, keeping trinkets or mementos from those experiences, praying with them about hard things, trying to do their favorite activities or go to their favorite places, etc.  There are so many things that we do specifically to try to make it easier for our children.  One of my biggest concerns about our move is that we would do life here in a way that blesses them and teaches them the biggest lessons and joys of this kind of life

I am excited for my kids to have this unique growing up experience, but some of it is very hard, too.  I grew up in the same house my whole childhood, near a small town.  I went to school with the same 30 kids and almost my whole extended family lived within a 40 mile radius of my house.  I was pretty sheltered.  Just like there were definite pluses and minuses to that kind of lifestyle, there are definite pluses and minuses to this one. Here are a few minuses:

• Goodbyes are hard!  We have people who love us in all the places we visit and call home.  This is difficult because we're saying goodbye a lot.  It also means we say hello a lot, though!

• Culture stress (what used to be called culture shock) is hard!  Our kids are going through the same emotions of feeling confused and frustrated by all the newness that we are going through as adults.  They are missing familiar things and people.  The difference is, they're kids.  We can sit down and have a 2 hour conversation with someone and work it out.  We usually remember to keep our mouths shut or be alone for a bit to work out our emotions.  But for the kids, it usually works itself out in crying or fit-throwing or anger or shyness. We do that sometimes, too, but they can realize it's culture stress.  We can.  So they get punished sometimes when they just need a hug . . . or ten.
•  Having a home is hard!  Where is home?  Is it America?  That's where their parents' home is.  But where?  Our last apartment in Minnesota?  Grandma Lee's house?  Grandma and Grandpa Adamows?  Is it India?  That's where we live now and where our physical 'home' is.  But with going back and forth so much, it gets confusing.

Now some pluses that our kids are figuring out:

• The world is bigger than America.  There are good and bad things about all places and peoples in the world.
• They will hopefully become bilingual . . . or trilingual?  They were against it at first, but are starting to show interest.  In the end, it will be worth it.
• Hellos and Goodbyes are a natural part of life.  It is okay to leave one place and move to another.  It's okay to say goodbye, even to people and places we love so much.
• We can have friends from all over the world, all types of people are possible friends.
• We are not alone in the world.  The decisions that we make affect others -- from the way we save and spend our money, the products and businesses we promote, the ideas we hold and share with others, and who and what we pray for.  These things make a real difference to others across the globe.
• Adaptability.  We can change and work with others in new ways and find ways to flourish and grow wherever we are and whoever we are with.

 As you can see, there are some great things that my kids can become because they have this unique experience of growing up in a different culture than their parents did.  In fact, some of the most amazing individuals I am friends with happen to be what are sometimes called 'Third Culture Kids'.  This means that their idea of culture comes from a mixing of their parents' home culture and the culture they are brought up in.  There are a few great books about this topic.  One of them that especially helped me and whose ideas are probably found in this blog is 'Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds' by Pollock and Van Reken.  If you are a TCK, are raising a TCK, have a TCK in your family, or just want to love on TCKs, I recommend this book highly!

So, if you are planning on seeing us as we visit our American home for the next few weeks, here's a few things to remember to love on our kids as much as possible:

• Spending time with them is the best gift!  We won't be back there that often, but the time that you spend is golden.  I have had grow-up TCKs tell me that they have better relationships with their relatives and family friends than some of their cousins do because they learned to value these people who were always there for them when they returned and never changed.  To this day, they are comfortable spending long amounts of time with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.  
• Material gifts should be very carefully thought out.  We travel on planes.  We don't have much luggage space.  We live all 5 in a small 2 bedroom apartment -- and this is a relatively big home here!  Also, see the previous blog about toys.  It can be overwhelming to come back to bunches of gifts and toys and may cause unhealthy expectations.  As they grow, how will they process the incredible abundance of America as compared to the relative scarcity of things their neighbors possess.  So, just be mindful as you are excited to welcome them home!
• Doing everyday, ordinary things with you is the best time you can spend.  How will our kids learn about American culture?  By spending normal days with you.  Going to a local restaurant.  Playing at a local park.  Building with legos on the living room floor.  Helping with cooking or yard work.  These things will give them a much more accurate view of what life in America is like.  One or two family outings to special places can be good, but if the boys spend every day at an amusement park, this can also create unrealistic expectations about American life.  They will have just as much fun doing a little of that and a LOT of 'regular stuff'.
• Remember we're tired!  It usually takes our family 2 weeks to truly get over jet lag.  That's how long our trip is.  So, if one of us falls asleep in the middle of a conversation, sorry!  If one of us breaks out in a fit in the middle of a family function, sorry!  If one of us is grumpy at you when you're trying to be nice, sorry!  We will pray that none of these things happen and that the kids are a complete joy the whole trip!
• Remember we're processing this last year of changes.  Feel free to ask questions about life in India to the kids.   This may help them to think on these things and work through their reverse culture shock as well.
• Know that our whole family is so excited to see you all!!!  Jed packed his bag a week ago because he was afraid he would forget something important he wanted to bring back and show to you all.  Abe and Jed ask every day how long until we go to visit our family.  They keep telling me all the people they want to see and all the games they want to play with all of you!

So, thanks for loving our family so well.  Thanks for caring about our kids and how they're doing.  Thanks for your prayers as we continue this life between worlds.  Much Love!

Two amazing gifts over the last week from two different friends.  A high chair for Lucy!

 And Super-hero costumes for Jed and Abe!  What a safe home we have now!