About a week ago, our family had another "First" experience here in India. It's the first time we attended an Indian wedding. Now, I know that weddings here in India are as varied as weddings in the States, so I'm not going to tell you what all weddings are like -- or even what all weddings are like here in our neighborhood. Also, I'm not going to tell you what this wedding was like (since I'm really an outsider and my language still isn't that great so there was a lot that I didn't understand, even when I asked questions.) I will only be able to tell you how I saw and interpreted the wedding. Here goes.
Chris' language helper's daughter was getting married. We arrived back from a trip at 1:30 in the afternoon. The wedding was to start at 2:00. We hustled. Still, with missing pieces to our outfits, 3 rambunctious kids, and a chaotic, unpacked home, we didn't get out the door until around 3:00. Even then, we arrived about the same time as other guests. The family lives in a low-income area. Their home is a conglomeration of bamboo, metal sheeting, tarps, etc. There was an open field nearby where a large tent had been put up. A tarp hung down the center of the tent. On one side were men sitting in chairs. On the other side were tables and chairs where women and children were sitting. Chris was ushered into the man-area of the tent where he was offered a chair. The kids and I were ushered past the tent and into the home of our friends. They immediately cleared a spot for me and I sat on the bed while all the women in the family were rushing in and out and around me.
I figured out that the bride was in the back area of the house getting dressed from the gift of clothes that her in-laws brought to her. At the same time, outside the home, the men and some women were gathered around a large collection of things that were part of the dowry given from the bride's family to the groom's. They were writing everything down on notary paper so that it could be legalized and agreed upon as to what was given. India is one of the only places in the world where dowries are given from bride to groom and not the other way around. This seems like a huge unfairness to me, but that will have to wait for another blog and another day.
Back to my perspective on the day. The kids were extremely cranky because they had just had an intense week away from home and that morning had been in the car for 5 hours trying to get back. So, they had decided they hated weddings and didn't want to be there. Jed was sulking and grunting at anyone who tried to talk to him. Abe was climbing into my lap and whining and crying about how he wanted to go home. Lucy was scared of all the people and clinging to me and crying anytime anyone ever tried to hold her. All the nice people there saw me trying to manage with these 3 grumpy kids and wanted to help. That just meant that there were more and more faces surrounding us asking me in Urdu, "What's the matter with him/her?" "Why is he/she crying?" "What do they need?" "Does he/she need something to eat/drink?" "Don't they like us?"
If everyone had just backed off for a minute or two, things would have been fine, but that's not the way here. So I was stuck with 3 whining kids in my lap when someone brought me a cup of very hot coffee. I tried to balance it, but the weak, paper cup buckled in my hand and spilled all over my wrist, my new dress, and Abe's leg. Abe and I got burns from how hot the coffee was and that set him off to screaming. Then Lucy started screaming because she was worried for her brother. All I could think was, 'Somebody get me out of here!' There was no recovering, so we just sopped up the mess and then were led into the tent where the food was.
The kids all wanted on my lap again, but they were made to sit in chairs beside me. Chris came and took Lucy (apparently some concerned Aunties went and told him that I was having a hard time). So then we ate. It was tasty chicken with a fried rice called biriyani. I would have really enjoyed it if Jed wasn't whining about how spicy it was and Abe wasn't spilling it everywhere. What do you do? All the Aunties kept telling me that he was eating it with the wrong hand and all I could do was shrug. At least he was eating. A bit later, someone came and offered to take Abe up to where Chris was. He had been moved to a rooftop where he was served food with a wealthy neighbor. It seemed that since they were the two highest status people at the party, it wouldn't do for them to eat in the tent with everyone else, so up they went.
Then I was escorted back to the house where I was told to sit on a bed. Jed was still clinging to me and the bride was still in the closed-off room getting ready. All the women were coming in and out bringing things to the bride, I think. All of a sudden, a distant relative of the bride came rushing into the house yelling something about a child falling from the roof and how worried she was and frantically motioning me to follow her. I quickly grabbed Jed's hand and ran behind her along the rough ground, fully expecting to find Abe at the bottom of the 3-story building with 5 broken bones. when I came around the corner, however, I could see the problem. The roof's wall had gaps in the bricks and Abe had decided to stick his head through one of the gaps. Bless his protruding ears, he couldn't bring his head back in.
So, there he was, head through the hole, screaming for all he was worth. Chris was on the roof trying to get some water to clean his hand (which he had been eating with) so he could help Abe get his head out. A couple other guys came running up with hammers in that time and were about to start pounding away at the wall before Chris stopped them. Another young guy climbed up the outside of the building. He reached Abe and started moving his head up and down the gap, trying to find the widest part. I'm underneath, surrounded by about 50-70 people all looking up and shouting about how worried they are and how horrible everything is. I'm trying to get Abe to look at me so he'll calm down. Now how am I supposed to get him calm with 60 people saying he's about to die? It wasn't easy.
As soon as Chris' hand was clean, he moved Abe's head a little bit and slid it through the gap. Abe got free with just a tiny scrape on the back of one ear. Good grief, that kid! So, Chris and the kids came down off the roof and from that point on, we just stayed out in the street, watching our kids play with dirt and try not to get pinched to death by all the Aunties and kids who wanted to get their attention. We were waiting to see the groom.
Around this time, we were told that the groom was coming and then they would pack up the dowry and the bride and go. I happened to turn around in time to see a young man ushered into the house. He was wearing a red turban and fancier clothes than the other men. I realized he must be the groom, but I never got a good look at his face. That's because as soon as he entered the house, a swarm of women came around him and started putting garlands of money around his neck and sang a song that someone told me was a blessing prayer for him. Here's what it looked like:
So, after about 20 minutes of this, the groom headed out to a waiting van. A few other family members of his got into the van as well. Then, I heard wailing starting. I saw a small figure in a full burka (full black robe with face covered) came out. She was so surrounded by other women that it was hard to see her. She was leaning on each woman in turn and sobbing into their chests. They slowly ushered her toward the van. I moved around for a better vantage point. I hoped to get some kind of view of her getting into the car and driving away. All of a sudden, I realized she was being ushered towards me. She reached out her arms and I just hugged her and prayed a simple blessing as she sobbed into my chest. I'm told this is a very common thing for Indian weddings.
After she hugged a few more people, she got into the van and it drove away. That was the first time she ever caught sight of her groom. I'm guessing that he didn't get to see her until they returned to his family's home and she removed her burka. As the van left, her mother was escorted into her house where she flung herself on the bed weeping while her sisters consoled her.
That was the end of the wedding, so we grabbed the kids, and hugged a few friends and headed for home. It took me a few days to process that wedding. I'm still processing it. I'm told the bride is happy. I'm told the family is happy. I'm told the groom is a good guy so far. . . so far. I'm praying like crazy that he remains so.
So, here are some of my thoughts on weddings:
I'm in favor of them. I like the idea of covenant relationships that are for the good of the other. I like marriages. I have been trying hard, as I experience new things in this new land, to not judge something as good or bad, but different. I think it's important if I'm going to truly make this home. So, these musings are for that purpose.
What's the best kind of marriage? An arranged one where the bride and groom never meet until the wedding day and the families figure it out? Or a 'love marriage' where bride and groom meet and decide for themselves and then get their families blessing (or not) after the fact? As I see it, both -- or neither -- are good. If two families truly love their children, are selfless where dowries are concerned, are more concerned with character than looks or last name or monetary value of their in-laws, and want the best possible life for both their child and his/her spouse, then it could work wonderfully to arrange a marriage. So much of married life is learning to love someone as time goes on, anyway, isn't it? If my parents are good people and love me, they could chose a person I would probably grow to love very much. They would also be invested in our relationship and help us when times got rough. It could be a great life and I've seen it be so. I've met some very happily arranged married couples here in India. I don't think they wish for anything else. However, some families are only in it for a big dowry. Some families are selfish and superficial. Some girls are treated horribly when they arrive in their new homes by jealous mother-in-laws. Some girls find out too late that their new husband is angry, drunk, or aggressive. In this system there is little escape for a woman caught in a difficult or dangerous situation.
On the other hand, it can work great if two people meet and are attracted to each other. They introduce each other to their lives, families, friends, etc. They seek the best for the other person and enter into marriage sincerely committed 'for better or worse' as the vows used to say. I'm in one of those marriages. We met before our families did. I'm extremely grateful that the day of my wedding was pure joy because I was already best friends and in love with the man I was marrying. It worked great for us. We've had support from our families who love both of us. We've had support in the hard times, too. We know that this is for the long haul and we love each other more now than ever. But that's not always the story either. Sometimes people are selfish about love. Sometimes they don't mean their vows. Sometimes they have little support. Sometimes their spouse turns out to be someone they didn't see coming. It's much easier to get out in these situations, but it's no less painful. Sometimes, it might even be too easy to get in and out of marriage and people start one or give up when they shouldn't.
So, though it's hard for me to understand this system of arranging marriages (because my marriage and the way I did it worked so well for me), I'm seeking to see that God uses these weddings to bring blessing, too . . . if we let him. So, that's the real kicker, isn't it? If we have God in the center of all of it, it could happen in a million different ways and still be beautiful. Just don't stick your head through a brick wall and everything will turn out fine :)
Here's three great results to our marriage almost 8 years ago!
Chris' language helper's daughter was getting married. We arrived back from a trip at 1:30 in the afternoon. The wedding was to start at 2:00. We hustled. Still, with missing pieces to our outfits, 3 rambunctious kids, and a chaotic, unpacked home, we didn't get out the door until around 3:00. Even then, we arrived about the same time as other guests. The family lives in a low-income area. Their home is a conglomeration of bamboo, metal sheeting, tarps, etc. There was an open field nearby where a large tent had been put up. A tarp hung down the center of the tent. On one side were men sitting in chairs. On the other side were tables and chairs where women and children were sitting. Chris was ushered into the man-area of the tent where he was offered a chair. The kids and I were ushered past the tent and into the home of our friends. They immediately cleared a spot for me and I sat on the bed while all the women in the family were rushing in and out and around me.
I figured out that the bride was in the back area of the house getting dressed from the gift of clothes that her in-laws brought to her. At the same time, outside the home, the men and some women were gathered around a large collection of things that were part of the dowry given from the bride's family to the groom's. They were writing everything down on notary paper so that it could be legalized and agreed upon as to what was given. India is one of the only places in the world where dowries are given from bride to groom and not the other way around. This seems like a huge unfairness to me, but that will have to wait for another blog and another day.
Back to my perspective on the day. The kids were extremely cranky because they had just had an intense week away from home and that morning had been in the car for 5 hours trying to get back. So, they had decided they hated weddings and didn't want to be there. Jed was sulking and grunting at anyone who tried to talk to him. Abe was climbing into my lap and whining and crying about how he wanted to go home. Lucy was scared of all the people and clinging to me and crying anytime anyone ever tried to hold her. All the nice people there saw me trying to manage with these 3 grumpy kids and wanted to help. That just meant that there were more and more faces surrounding us asking me in Urdu, "What's the matter with him/her?" "Why is he/she crying?" "What do they need?" "Does he/she need something to eat/drink?" "Don't they like us?"
If everyone had just backed off for a minute or two, things would have been fine, but that's not the way here. So I was stuck with 3 whining kids in my lap when someone brought me a cup of very hot coffee. I tried to balance it, but the weak, paper cup buckled in my hand and spilled all over my wrist, my new dress, and Abe's leg. Abe and I got burns from how hot the coffee was and that set him off to screaming. Then Lucy started screaming because she was worried for her brother. All I could think was, 'Somebody get me out of here!' There was no recovering, so we just sopped up the mess and then were led into the tent where the food was.
The kids all wanted on my lap again, but they were made to sit in chairs beside me. Chris came and took Lucy (apparently some concerned Aunties went and told him that I was having a hard time). So then we ate. It was tasty chicken with a fried rice called biriyani. I would have really enjoyed it if Jed wasn't whining about how spicy it was and Abe wasn't spilling it everywhere. What do you do? All the Aunties kept telling me that he was eating it with the wrong hand and all I could do was shrug. At least he was eating. A bit later, someone came and offered to take Abe up to where Chris was. He had been moved to a rooftop where he was served food with a wealthy neighbor. It seemed that since they were the two highest status people at the party, it wouldn't do for them to eat in the tent with everyone else, so up they went.
Then I was escorted back to the house where I was told to sit on a bed. Jed was still clinging to me and the bride was still in the closed-off room getting ready. All the women were coming in and out bringing things to the bride, I think. All of a sudden, a distant relative of the bride came rushing into the house yelling something about a child falling from the roof and how worried she was and frantically motioning me to follow her. I quickly grabbed Jed's hand and ran behind her along the rough ground, fully expecting to find Abe at the bottom of the 3-story building with 5 broken bones. when I came around the corner, however, I could see the problem. The roof's wall had gaps in the bricks and Abe had decided to stick his head through one of the gaps. Bless his protruding ears, he couldn't bring his head back in.
So, there he was, head through the hole, screaming for all he was worth. Chris was on the roof trying to get some water to clean his hand (which he had been eating with) so he could help Abe get his head out. A couple other guys came running up with hammers in that time and were about to start pounding away at the wall before Chris stopped them. Another young guy climbed up the outside of the building. He reached Abe and started moving his head up and down the gap, trying to find the widest part. I'm underneath, surrounded by about 50-70 people all looking up and shouting about how worried they are and how horrible everything is. I'm trying to get Abe to look at me so he'll calm down. Now how am I supposed to get him calm with 60 people saying he's about to die? It wasn't easy.
As soon as Chris' hand was clean, he moved Abe's head a little bit and slid it through the gap. Abe got free with just a tiny scrape on the back of one ear. Good grief, that kid! So, Chris and the kids came down off the roof and from that point on, we just stayed out in the street, watching our kids play with dirt and try not to get pinched to death by all the Aunties and kids who wanted to get their attention. We were waiting to see the groom.
Around this time, we were told that the groom was coming and then they would pack up the dowry and the bride and go. I happened to turn around in time to see a young man ushered into the house. He was wearing a red turban and fancier clothes than the other men. I realized he must be the groom, but I never got a good look at his face. That's because as soon as he entered the house, a swarm of women came around him and started putting garlands of money around his neck and sang a song that someone told me was a blessing prayer for him. Here's what it looked like:
After she hugged a few more people, she got into the van and it drove away. That was the first time she ever caught sight of her groom. I'm guessing that he didn't get to see her until they returned to his family's home and she removed her burka. As the van left, her mother was escorted into her house where she flung herself on the bed weeping while her sisters consoled her.
That was the end of the wedding, so we grabbed the kids, and hugged a few friends and headed for home. It took me a few days to process that wedding. I'm still processing it. I'm told the bride is happy. I'm told the family is happy. I'm told the groom is a good guy so far. . . so far. I'm praying like crazy that he remains so.
So, here are some of my thoughts on weddings:
I'm in favor of them. I like the idea of covenant relationships that are for the good of the other. I like marriages. I have been trying hard, as I experience new things in this new land, to not judge something as good or bad, but different. I think it's important if I'm going to truly make this home. So, these musings are for that purpose.
What's the best kind of marriage? An arranged one where the bride and groom never meet until the wedding day and the families figure it out? Or a 'love marriage' where bride and groom meet and decide for themselves and then get their families blessing (or not) after the fact? As I see it, both -- or neither -- are good. If two families truly love their children, are selfless where dowries are concerned, are more concerned with character than looks or last name or monetary value of their in-laws, and want the best possible life for both their child and his/her spouse, then it could work wonderfully to arrange a marriage. So much of married life is learning to love someone as time goes on, anyway, isn't it? If my parents are good people and love me, they could chose a person I would probably grow to love very much. They would also be invested in our relationship and help us when times got rough. It could be a great life and I've seen it be so. I've met some very happily arranged married couples here in India. I don't think they wish for anything else. However, some families are only in it for a big dowry. Some families are selfish and superficial. Some girls are treated horribly when they arrive in their new homes by jealous mother-in-laws. Some girls find out too late that their new husband is angry, drunk, or aggressive. In this system there is little escape for a woman caught in a difficult or dangerous situation.
On the other hand, it can work great if two people meet and are attracted to each other. They introduce each other to their lives, families, friends, etc. They seek the best for the other person and enter into marriage sincerely committed 'for better or worse' as the vows used to say. I'm in one of those marriages. We met before our families did. I'm extremely grateful that the day of my wedding was pure joy because I was already best friends and in love with the man I was marrying. It worked great for us. We've had support from our families who love both of us. We've had support in the hard times, too. We know that this is for the long haul and we love each other more now than ever. But that's not always the story either. Sometimes people are selfish about love. Sometimes they don't mean their vows. Sometimes they have little support. Sometimes their spouse turns out to be someone they didn't see coming. It's much easier to get out in these situations, but it's no less painful. Sometimes, it might even be too easy to get in and out of marriage and people start one or give up when they shouldn't.
So, though it's hard for me to understand this system of arranging marriages (because my marriage and the way I did it worked so well for me), I'm seeking to see that God uses these weddings to bring blessing, too . . . if we let him. So, that's the real kicker, isn't it? If we have God in the center of all of it, it could happen in a million different ways and still be beautiful. Just don't stick your head through a brick wall and everything will turn out fine :)
Here's three great results to our marriage almost 8 years ago!
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