Since we moved to India, I've been learning who I really am. I know that sounds pretty Jr. High of me, but stick with me. In America, it was pretty easy to move forward in the things that made me comfortable -- lifestyle choices, food choices, clothing choices, home decor choices, friendship choices, etc. I honestly haven't had to think about it much since Jr. High when I made the decision that I'd rather be myself than what everyone thinks of me. It was a pretty freeing realization at the time and a lesson I thought I'd learned.
Fast forward to India. You get off the plane and all these intense feelings, sights, smells, sounds, tastes, hit you at once. You want to be welcomed and included. You want to be understood and acknowledged. So, in a way, you feel like a Jr. Higher all over again -- except this time, the norms and language and culture and values are not ones you've lived in your whole life. So, you start to relearn who you are in this new context. With these new people, values, norms, language, etc. What was normal -- like holding my husband's hand in public -- can be construed here as too forward and personal. What was easy -- like taking my kids grocery shopping -- becomes convoluted and complex. What was modest in my clothing in the States can be considered promiscuous in certain crowds here.
For the first time in my life, I was nervous. I honestly had never felt that feeling before. Maybe a hint of it hit me the day I started college or something, but I really don't think so. I've always been much more excited by new experiences than concerned about them. So, it wasn't until I was about 4 months into this experience that it hit me, "I'm nervous!" I honestly didn't know how to be myself in this new environment. I worried that if I wore the wrong thing, acted the wrong way, didn't fit what others thought was right, that I wouldn't have any friends, wouldn't fit in, wouldn't be accepted by this new culture and these new neighbors. Well, you know what happened? I didn't and I wasn't.
I live in a building with quite a few women who are nothing like me. They are concerned with how their neighbors view them, if they are acting righteous enough, what their status is. Why had I started concerning myself with such things? It was the same Jr. High trouble all over again. Would I be more concerned with fitting in to the status quo or would I be proud of who God made me to be and seek to please Him instead of others? Did I really want friends who were secretly judging me all the time? When I made that decision back when I was 12, I honestly had more friends. People liked me better. I wasn't as cautious and clingy. I was content.
So, now I've been looking seriously at what I accepted as part of my personality that really isn't me. Just one of those areas is my wardrobe. I used to enjoy wearing clothes that felt like me. A bit zany, but fun and easy. Now I've been so worried about fitting in that I've been trying to dress like every 30-something Mom here. I don't dress like 30-something Moms in the States. Why start now? So, I'm purging. Purging things I purchased because they fit into who I thought I should be here to fit in. I'm still respecting what would be considered modest here -- I don't want people to see me and read 'hussy'. But, I'm going to do it my way. And it's fun to be exploring what that means. Just like when I was 13. All over again.
I always said I never wanted to repeat Jr. High, but this part of it is fun. What I'm realizing is that no matter what I do here, I'm going to stick out. I'm pale-skinned. I've got blue eyes. I have 3 blonde, blue-eyed kids tagging around me. I speak with an accent. I act with an accent. Maybe it's part of why I'm here. To not blend in and be loved because of it. Those who won't accept me if I don't get all the cultural cues right and don't wear the right things are probably not the kind of people I want for my friends anyway. They weren't when I lived in the States, either. By being myself, I'll meet people who are ready to speak into my life and have me speak into theirs. To walk alongside me even if I am a little weird.
Even though I once heard, "Friends don't let friends wear ponchos." (love you, Aunt Karen) I still love to wear them. Starting out my girl right, too :)
Fast forward to India. You get off the plane and all these intense feelings, sights, smells, sounds, tastes, hit you at once. You want to be welcomed and included. You want to be understood and acknowledged. So, in a way, you feel like a Jr. Higher all over again -- except this time, the norms and language and culture and values are not ones you've lived in your whole life. So, you start to relearn who you are in this new context. With these new people, values, norms, language, etc. What was normal -- like holding my husband's hand in public -- can be construed here as too forward and personal. What was easy -- like taking my kids grocery shopping -- becomes convoluted and complex. What was modest in my clothing in the States can be considered promiscuous in certain crowds here.
For the first time in my life, I was nervous. I honestly had never felt that feeling before. Maybe a hint of it hit me the day I started college or something, but I really don't think so. I've always been much more excited by new experiences than concerned about them. So, it wasn't until I was about 4 months into this experience that it hit me, "I'm nervous!" I honestly didn't know how to be myself in this new environment. I worried that if I wore the wrong thing, acted the wrong way, didn't fit what others thought was right, that I wouldn't have any friends, wouldn't fit in, wouldn't be accepted by this new culture and these new neighbors. Well, you know what happened? I didn't and I wasn't.
I live in a building with quite a few women who are nothing like me. They are concerned with how their neighbors view them, if they are acting righteous enough, what their status is. Why had I started concerning myself with such things? It was the same Jr. High trouble all over again. Would I be more concerned with fitting in to the status quo or would I be proud of who God made me to be and seek to please Him instead of others? Did I really want friends who were secretly judging me all the time? When I made that decision back when I was 12, I honestly had more friends. People liked me better. I wasn't as cautious and clingy. I was content.
So, now I've been looking seriously at what I accepted as part of my personality that really isn't me. Just one of those areas is my wardrobe. I used to enjoy wearing clothes that felt like me. A bit zany, but fun and easy. Now I've been so worried about fitting in that I've been trying to dress like every 30-something Mom here. I don't dress like 30-something Moms in the States. Why start now? So, I'm purging. Purging things I purchased because they fit into who I thought I should be here to fit in. I'm still respecting what would be considered modest here -- I don't want people to see me and read 'hussy'. But, I'm going to do it my way. And it's fun to be exploring what that means. Just like when I was 13. All over again.
I always said I never wanted to repeat Jr. High, but this part of it is fun. What I'm realizing is that no matter what I do here, I'm going to stick out. I'm pale-skinned. I've got blue eyes. I have 3 blonde, blue-eyed kids tagging around me. I speak with an accent. I act with an accent. Maybe it's part of why I'm here. To not blend in and be loved because of it. Those who won't accept me if I don't get all the cultural cues right and don't wear the right things are probably not the kind of people I want for my friends anyway. They weren't when I lived in the States, either. By being myself, I'll meet people who are ready to speak into my life and have me speak into theirs. To walk alongside me even if I am a little weird.
Even though I once heard, "Friends don't let friends wear ponchos." (love you, Aunt Karen) I still love to wear them. Starting out my girl right, too :)
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