The last few days, I have been feeling the strain. Some people wouldn't be so candid that they're struggling, but really, it's about time we were honest with each other. We can't just put up a great front that we have everything figured out so the people around us -- who are also struggling in their own ways -- feel even more burdened by our 'successes'. The people who have influenced me the most in my life are the ones who are real about their struggles and, therefore, can be real about their successes (or God's successes through them). This can't come off proud or high and mighty because they have been real about failure. So, here goes.
The place we live is difficult for any person but especially for a woman. There are expectations about a Godly woman's behavior that are different than they would be in my home culture. So if I want people to read me rightly as a woman after God's heart, I must be careful to follow these expectations. I would hate for someone to write me off as a possible friend because I am careless with their culture. So, I cover my head. I don't strike up conversations with men. I don't look unfamiliar men in the eye. I wear the proper jewelry to show I'm married. I don't go out without my husband after dark. I don't leave our house helper alone in the house with my husband. I feel uncomfortable traveling more than a few blocks from my home if I'm toting my 3 small kids. This means that I get out of the house little. This means I spend most of my time in our 2 bedroom flat with my kids. This means that my interaction with people is generally limited to my family, my language tutor, and my house helper. So, because you know me and my life before India, you can start to imagine how this challenges me on a daily basis. There are things that we try to do as a family to get me out of the house. There are things that are just the way they are because of my kids' ages and my limited understanding of the language and culture. There are things that will change as I and my family grow.
But, it is a hard life right now. Chris would love to fix it -- don't most husbands want to fix it? -- but the truth is, that I need to learn contentment in the here and now. Can I rely on God and live each day in thankfulness. "Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for us in Christ Jesus." Don't you hate when people quote scriptures at you that make things seem simple? Yet, the simplicity of the sentence doesn't change the depth of the meaning. I can see that God is putting me through the furnace. I can see that He is testing me and refining me. I am not ready for great and glorious strides in building relationships and building businesses and being used to change lives on a grand scale. I'm not ready because I am not yet content to walk through a day in the house with my beautiful, gifted kids. I am not yet content to be silent with my neighbors. I am not yet content to be unnoticed -- or noticed for the wrong reasons. I am not yet content. "Godliness with contentment is of great gain."
I recently read emails from 2 friends that were encouraging. They have been working in India to reach out and make life better for people here for longer than I have -- has it really been less than a year? They are enriching the lives of their neighbors. They are sharing ideas that are changing the future of people who had no hope in the future. They are seen and respected in the communities where God has placed them. Will I ever be able to share such gains, such successes? God willing, I will. Can I be content that He has me here whether I see those gains or not? The promise is not that I will be successful. The promise is not that I will be noticed or held up. The promise is that I will be where God wants me. That He uses me despite myself and that some day -- here or in eternity -- I will know why I am changing diapers and making biscuits and teaching nursery rhymes in India.
P.S. Today is less hard as I'm accepting this truth. I heard not long ago that it's not a good idea to blog or write mass emails or things when you are in an emotional high or emotional low. Well, people, I haven't really had an emotionally even moment for the last year or two. So, this is what you get. If you start to worry about my mental or emotional state, just pray for me. God is answering and the grace comes. Let's see where this goes.
Doing life: Feeding Lucy her first banana
The place we live is difficult for any person but especially for a woman. There are expectations about a Godly woman's behavior that are different than they would be in my home culture. So if I want people to read me rightly as a woman after God's heart, I must be careful to follow these expectations. I would hate for someone to write me off as a possible friend because I am careless with their culture. So, I cover my head. I don't strike up conversations with men. I don't look unfamiliar men in the eye. I wear the proper jewelry to show I'm married. I don't go out without my husband after dark. I don't leave our house helper alone in the house with my husband. I feel uncomfortable traveling more than a few blocks from my home if I'm toting my 3 small kids. This means that I get out of the house little. This means I spend most of my time in our 2 bedroom flat with my kids. This means that my interaction with people is generally limited to my family, my language tutor, and my house helper. So, because you know me and my life before India, you can start to imagine how this challenges me on a daily basis. There are things that we try to do as a family to get me out of the house. There are things that are just the way they are because of my kids' ages and my limited understanding of the language and culture. There are things that will change as I and my family grow.
But, it is a hard life right now. Chris would love to fix it -- don't most husbands want to fix it? -- but the truth is, that I need to learn contentment in the here and now. Can I rely on God and live each day in thankfulness. "Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for us in Christ Jesus." Don't you hate when people quote scriptures at you that make things seem simple? Yet, the simplicity of the sentence doesn't change the depth of the meaning. I can see that God is putting me through the furnace. I can see that He is testing me and refining me. I am not ready for great and glorious strides in building relationships and building businesses and being used to change lives on a grand scale. I'm not ready because I am not yet content to walk through a day in the house with my beautiful, gifted kids. I am not yet content to be silent with my neighbors. I am not yet content to be unnoticed -- or noticed for the wrong reasons. I am not yet content. "Godliness with contentment is of great gain."
I recently read emails from 2 friends that were encouraging. They have been working in India to reach out and make life better for people here for longer than I have -- has it really been less than a year? They are enriching the lives of their neighbors. They are sharing ideas that are changing the future of people who had no hope in the future. They are seen and respected in the communities where God has placed them. Will I ever be able to share such gains, such successes? God willing, I will. Can I be content that He has me here whether I see those gains or not? The promise is not that I will be successful. The promise is not that I will be noticed or held up. The promise is that I will be where God wants me. That He uses me despite myself and that some day -- here or in eternity -- I will know why I am changing diapers and making biscuits and teaching nursery rhymes in India.
P.S. Today is less hard as I'm accepting this truth. I heard not long ago that it's not a good idea to blog or write mass emails or things when you are in an emotional high or emotional low. Well, people, I haven't really had an emotionally even moment for the last year or two. So, this is what you get. If you start to worry about my mental or emotional state, just pray for me. God is answering and the grace comes. Let's see where this goes.
No comments:
Post a Comment